Monday, June 28, 2010

Herb gardens and lizard eggs

The following is in response to my Bestie's drunk emailing; I am giving her the run-down of my day.

I'm so glad. I have to tell you of the grossest day I've ever had. Ever.

I decided that with my 4 child-free hours, I was going to plant an herb garden. I bought a few potted herbs and went to town in the back patio. I had Bob Marley serenading me and my bikini top on and I was happy. I planted my little herbs and my life was good. While I was digging holes for my herbs, I spotted the cutest little earth worm. I love earth worms. I gingerly placed him in the freshly laid soil of my new and wonderful garden. A few minutes later, from the corner of my eye, I saw movement. To my slight surprise, I found a little toad. Hi little toad! You can't live here! So with my gloved hands, I picked up Mr. Toad to relocate him outside the confines of my lovely screened porch. I totally girl'ed out and dropped the toad and he hopped away to safety. Ok, so fine. We have a toad living in our patio. Big deal.

After I picked up the kids from school, laid Max down for a nap and got a drink (my GOD it is fucking HOT) Sam and I went to work raking and bagging all of the old mulch in the flower bed in the patio. It's not that big! Surely I can do this on my own! Sweat was literally pouring off my nose, into my eyes and all over the rest of me. Sam held the big black garbage bag for me while I bent over, belly hanging out, and grabbed rakefulls of old mulch. In the mulch, I spied a few little roaches and one braved the block wall where he met an untimely death with my shoe. I had adolescent roach guts in the groove of my tennis shoe, which I promptly picked out with my still-gloved hand. I AM WOMAN! I CAN KILL ROACHES AND GARDEN, FUCKERS!!!

After the first 30-gallon black bag was filled, Sam and I potted another plant. After patting down the dirt, I saw a small, smooth white stone on the block wall. I picked it up and studied it. "Sam! Look! I think I found an egg of some sort!" I said. Sam and I studied the egg and I turned it around and over in my hand several times. I took it between my finger and thumb and gave it a little squeeze. "It's soft!" I exclaimed to my intensely interested son. With our heads bent together, I gave the little egg another squeeze and SPLAT!! That mutha fucker exploded in my face!!!!! I screamed and cried at the mystery amniotic fluid all over my arm and sunglasses when Sam yelled, "Mom! It was a frog! Look!!" I followed his pointing finger to see a tiny, writhing lizard on the ground. It was gasping for air. Mom mode kicked into high gear. I killed a baby lizard! I had to get him to the LICU (Lizard ICU) right away! He was in water in the egg, so surely he must still need water? I gently loaded him onto my trowel and tossed him into the fountain. Alright, so I killed a lizard. At this point, I had SO lost my gardening mojo.

Did I forget to mention that during my pick-the-kids-up interlude, I thought I'd sweep off the fascia above the garage to free it of the bugs dried and trapped in the spider webs? And did I tell you that when I did this, they all scattered in the wind and blew in my hair? And did I tell you that I also saw it prudent to smash the mud dobber nests above the garage as well to only be pummeled by wasp larvae? I think it is fair to include this, too!

After washing my hands and arms several times, I returned to the dreaded porch to finish what I had started. Sam stayed in and watched TV. Of course, by now I'm gardening with and escape route. I will only lean waaaaay over to rake the mulch, I will not actually step in the beds. I probably won't be able to move my back tomorrow, but how much can a girl take?

But wait, there's more.

After I made dinner and cleaned the dishes and bathed my kids and applied cream to my 4-year old's penis because he has some chafing? Rash? I figured I'd go ahead and clean my washer. I had purchased some liquid that you run through on the sanitize cycle and it is supposed to get rid of the nasty washer smell. But first, you must wipe the big rubber vagina of your washer and get it nice and clean. And if you get any of this solution on your skin you are supposed to rinse it with water for 15 minutes and call poison control and alert and then put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. So, I spilled it on my leg. On accident. Of course I did.

Well, after my shower, my third of the day, I just dumped the washer-vagina cleaning shit in the tub and turned that bitch on the longest cycle known to man. I took the towel I was wiping the vagina with and the empty bottle of washer-vagina cleaner and went out to the garage to throw it all away. I opened the door, turned the light on and made it about four steps before the BIGGEST COCKROACH I'VE EVER SEEN made a beeline straight for me!!! I screamed and then got MAD and ran back in the house, slammed (and locked - you know how crafty those roaches are) the door and cried.

This is the grossest day ever. So please, friend, have another for me. I fucking need it.