Wednesday, June 06, 2007

What is it worth?

A phone call I received today at 4:30pm changed everything.

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. I used to look at my parents with envy as they sat on the couch in the evenings, relaxing and watching TV. Man, they had it so easy. I still had homework to do. My day hadn't ended like theirs had when they left the office. I just couldn't wait to grow up. I wanted boobs, and my period and boys to notice me. I used to dream of being a woman and a wife. It seems the part of me that took heed of my 10-year old wish was my ovaries. They have aged quicker than the rest of me, according to my blood tests and my egg reserve is low. I heard this today on the phone. This is when everything changed.

I called the RE's office this week. Something seemed off with me. My periods were coming early and I certainly hadn't gotten pregnant in the months we've been trying, I wasn't too alarmed. But still, something didn't set right with me. The nurse asked that I have some blood tests done to check out my hormone levels. "Let's see what your ovaries are up to, " she said. That very day I slapped my arm down on the table, donned a tourniquet and pumped out a vial or two for the nice phlebotamist lady. "Your doctor will have the results tomorrow. Have a nice day."

I was not prepared for the news. I know I have endometriosis, but I never thought that my clock was ticking so loudly. I was informed today that my FSH levels are high which means that my ovaries are having to work harder to produce viable eggs. My egg count and quality is low and I will have to use injectable medication to help me produce some good, strong eggs. This is after surgery to clean out the endometriosis, which might be as soon as next week. The nurse urged me, "While I don't want you to be alarmed, I DO want you to understand how serious this is." I asked my questions and took my notes. She asked me to call back in the morning to talk to the scheduling person to get surgery on the books. With my head still spinning, I thanked her for the call, hung up and began to shake. Over dinner, I explained to my loving and amazingly supportive husband the news. He is 110% behind me and is ready to get on with this business. I am aboard the infertility roller coaster again, buckled in and holding on tight!

Injectables? Surgery? Increased chance for multiples? Low egg reserve? I'm only thirty-freaking-two. This isn't supposed to happen for at least 10 years. Hell, a 60-year old woman just gave birth to TWINS. How can this be happening!? I don't want to grow up so fast! Slow down! I didn't mean it when I said I wanted to be old! I was only 10! What the hell did I know?

My mind has been racing since I hung up this afternoon. I have already started asking myself so many questions. "Is it worth going through all this when we already have a wonderful child? Should we just stop at one?" I remember how desperate and emotional I felt when I was trying to get pregnant with Sam. The imagined pregnancy symptoms and the crushing disappointment every month when the tests showed negative. I remember my difficult pregnancy and delivery. The 37 hours of labor that ended in a cesarean. The preeclampsia and 8 days in the hospital. I remember all of it. But what casts away those unsettling memories is the thought that I have an amazing and beautiful son who completes me in more ways than I can imagine. Sam makes me a better person, and since becoming his Mom, I can look inside myself and like what I see. Knowing what it is like to love Sam makes all of surgery and treatments worth it. I would do it all a million times over to get Sam. When I look at Sam and he delights me with another silly antic, I think, "How can I not try?"

So long are the idealistic dreams of conceiving naturally. Somehow though, I know this is how it is meant to happen for us. I believe that all things happen in the right order. The infertility experience and taxing delivery of Sam brought Rob and I so much closer. We have an understanding and experience that only he and I share. We know what we're capable of and what we're willing to do for our family. We're excited and holding our heads up strong in the face of this new adventure. Just think! As early as next month, I will be batshit crazy on injected hormones! Aren't you excited!? We sure are.


Colleen said...

Hang in there Shan - there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that's another Sam! And, nothing can be more worth it. :)

Anonymous said...

Just think! As early as next month, I will be batshit crazy on injected hormones! Aren't you excited!?

So... business as usual, huh?