Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The older we get, the harder we fall

Autumn is my favorite season. Each year around this time I begin to feel this energy stir deep inside me. I feel renewed. I dream of brisk evening walks and houses filled with warm yellow light. I love the satisfying feel of acorn tops cracking under my shoe as I walk along the sidewalk. The fall brings the start of the holiday season and good hair days. I love all fall colors: red, orange, yellow and brown. The smell of apple cinnamon candles fill my home. I hum happily to myself as I put my fall decorations up. I especially love Halloween and if I could, I'd transform my house into a mecca of mummies and vampires for the trick-or-treaters that come for goodies. I always say, "If I could bottle this "fall feeling" then I'd be a millionaire."


This fall is different. I'm experiencing one of those involuntary emotional responses to events brought on by motherhood. My baby is turning a year old this fall. This October, my first (and only) son will no longer be baby, but will embark on his journey to toddlerhood. Where did the time go? Seriously. Life has been on fast forward since October 5th of last year. I can't handle it! Oh god, someone give me some red wine!

I feel this sense of sadness and desperation as I look around and wonder how time could possibly go by this quickly. In my mind, Sam is still 5 months old. He is still sitting propped against his Boppy pillow and requires help to burp. I still haven't gotten used to the fact that Sam has and will continue to exceed the mental capacity and skills of my dog. No offense to Emma; she is one smart cookie, but she doesn't talk. Sam says "Bye bye" and he has said, "more" a few times. The baby part has gone by so fast. Does life continue at this speed from now on?

On the other hand, I feel thrilled because I made it through my first year of motherhood and I managed not to permanently damage my child or my self. I think I did a pretty good job actually, and I look forward to the celebration of the anniversary of my delivery of Sam. We're already talking about number two, but then thoughts quickly turn to the stress Rob and I went through during my labor and delivery. *Sigh* It seems so long ago and like it was just last week.

I would love for a Guardian Angel to tell me what to do. I am terrified of trying to get pregnant. What if we have fertility problems again? What if I need more surgery? I am terrified of being pregnant again. What if I get preeclampsia again? I'm certainly not looking forward to another C-section and the recovery that follows. I am terrified of gaining so much weight. I gained too much with my first pregnancy and I'm still 15 pounds away from my goal. All these things run through my mind and the biggest worry of all is the timing. When do we start? How far apart should our kids be? And on and on it goes.

I think that Sam's 1 year birthday is certainly bringing all these thoughts to the forefront for me. I love our son so much. He is absolutely perfect and when I look at him, I think that I would go through it all over again a thousand times. Sam is so amazing that I ask myself, "How can Rob and I not make another ones of these?"

The infant stage is so fleeting and so wonderful. I look forward with excited anticipation at Sam's growth and discovery. I have done the best I can to cement the memories I have of Sam's infancy in my brain. I've documented it with journals, blogs and video. I'll still miss the tender moments of holding him while he slept all swaddled up and warm.

Mama loves you, Baby. Just don't grow up too fast.


Anonymous said...

What a wonderful blog about Sam and motherhood. Sam is such a lucky little boy to have such a wonderful mommy who loves him so dearly.

As for baby #2, you know with baby #1, there is never a right time and everything just works itself out. We waited 6 years for our 2nd little guy and everything is just perfect. Even more perfect the 2nd time around as you are more confident with everything that gets thrown your way -- through pregnancy and through motherhood. I am certain that you guys will do what is best for you all! If you ever need an ear for listening, I have two (somewhat deaf at times) that are always open for listening.

You did go through a lot through your pregnancy and after but it is ALL worth every moment! Sam is such a beautiful child! When he hugs you and adores you the way it does, it makes every moment worth it and ready to do over again!

Hugs to you! And kudos to you on doing such a wonderful job at being a mommy!

Lots of love -

Shannon said...

Thanks, Jen for the words of comfort and wisdom. I try to remember that everything will work itself out. I guess I get caught up in the emotions of it all! You are right, though. You have a beautiful family and everything worked itself out!