Thursday, September 07, 2006

No nap. Big crap.

Sam has been sleeping later in the morning this week, which is a welcome change. He woke up at 9:30 am this morning so after our breakfast, he and I took off to the party store to buy some invitations and party decorations for his one year birthday party.

Upon returning home at 12:30 (deciding on decorations and invitations was a much bigger task than I had originally anticipated) Sam took a bottle, listened while I read him a book and went down for his afternoon nap. Or so I thought.

Before laying Sam down, I had changed his diaper and removed his clothes so he could nap despite the heat of his bedroom. Nothing sweeter than a baby sleeping in nothing but his nappy, right?

I happily sat at the computer eating my lunch with the baby monitor perched on the desk beside me. I listened contently as Sam played in his crib for 30 minutes. I was a bit perplexed as to why he still hadn't fallen asleep, but thought, "Hey, as long as he is playing happily, who am I to complain?"

I had no sooner finished that thought when Sam started to fuss. I thought I'd let him go for a minute to see if he could self-soothe. On he went. There was no self-soothing. I was on the verge of irritation when I entered his room. I had expected to see him standing in his crib, wet faced and upset at the sight of his pacifier on the floor. I saw nothing of the sort.

What I saw instead was a crime scene of defecation. Sam had removed his diaper. Sam had also pooped. And peed. He had apparently rolled in said poop and tried to climb out of the crib as there was poop caked on the rails. There was poop on the Fisher-Price Ocean Wonders Aquarium. There was poop smeared in the sheet where the assault must have taken place. The two other victims, "Nana Bear" and "Jesus Loves Me Lamb" were somehow salvaged. They lay among the excrement staring with blank eyes. Sam, however, was covered. There was no doubt he did it. He was guilty as charged.

I quickly removed the screaming perpetrator from the scene and placed him in the holding cell, a.k.a the bath. Baby waste was caked to his legs, feet, hands and backside. He screamed as I tried to remove the evidence as quickly as I could. It was coming off in clumps and swirling down the drain to its final resting place. I removed the pooper from the tub after all intestinal remains were removed and immediately called for backup.

My backup arrived in short order. I had donned latex gloves and went to work. All the kaka from scene the had to be removed before the Chief arrived. He doesn't take any shit. If I failed my mission, my career would be in the toilet. I decided not to fart around any longer.

Thirty minutes and a bottle of antibacterial spray later, the dung had been wiped out. I redressed the mattress and removed the other witnesses. They will stay in protective custody until an internal investigation is complete. Thankfully, no one was hurt during this incident. The crime scene photos have been withheld from this report, and will remain classified in Sam's baby book for future reference and bribery.

In the aftermath, Sam remained awake for a few hours. After some hard play and a late lunch, I noticed he was a little flushed. I laid him down for another nap and he's sleeping like a log.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you had a pretty shitty day.

Shannon said...

It smelled like it too.