Nothing new.

I haven't blogged in quite some time. Where do I start? I just finished reading all of my posts and I have a strange feeling. I guess I should start from the beginning...

Earlier this month, I had a colonoscopy performed that proved unsuccessful. The doctor could not advance past my splenic flexure and had to abort the procedure. He recommended that I have a barium enema. I'm very pissed about this whole situation. First off, the prep for the colonoscopy was awful. I absolutely hate the stuff I have to drink to clean me out. Anyone who has had to do this can testify to its horrid-ness. (is that a word?) In any case, the barium enema requires the same prep, so naturally I asked the nurse, who informed me of the doctor's recommendation, if I could have it done that day. I was already prepped and still partially sedated from my earlier procedure. Of course she said that the doctor didn't want to do the procedure that day, and he had already left. I still haven't spoken with the doctor regarding the results, and I've called his office 4 times. It simply amazes me how much practicing medicine has turned into such a 'business.' It is so infuriating that I can't speak with a doctor anymore.

Anyway, I called Dr. Loy to discuss the results of my colonoscopy with him, hoping that the results had been faxed over. Of course, they had not. I was however informed, by the nurse at Dr. Loy's office, that he refuses to do my surgery until I have this barium enema. I am still pissed because I can't seem to talk to the actual doctor that prescribed it. I seem to think that he is just being overly cautious, and that I don't really need this procedure. I have surgery scheduled for December 9th, with Dr. Loy. I need to talk to someone quickly, because if these assholes insist that I have this done, then I have precious little time.

So, that being said, I've been on a break from the infertility treatments. I have been feeling pretty good, actually. I have been doing yoga everyday and I hid the scale. My energy is much better and my general state of mind has improved. I got a new cute hair cut, so that helps too. Heh. This strange feeling that I mentioned earlier is because I read my previous blog entries. I read how depressed and angry and desperate I was, and I know that I'm going to feel like that again soon. I guess this is the quiet before the storm. I have been free of the fertility drugs for a while now, and I can tell such a difference. Any question that I had earlier that it was the drugs causing the depression, bloating, fatigue and insomnia has now been answered. I'll be starting again in a month or so, and I have that to look forward to all over again.

Rob and I have some hard decisions to make. We have tried 3 cycles of IUI with no success. I am going to get a laparoscopy in 2 1/2 weeks and then we'll start trying again as soon as I recover. The nurse had mentioned the MS-IVF, and I've done a lot of research regarding that. It seems as thought that is where we're heading. I got some information in the mail about the program at the clinic Rob and I go to and the cost is steep. When she said the cost is 5K, plus medicine, she failed to mention the 'miscellaneous additional costs' which add up to about two thousand dollars. She did mention something about a study being done that we could participate in, which would pay for the medicines. That helps, but we're still looking at an initial cost of about $7,000. That is just for the first cycle. It makes me just sick to think about it. I really don't know what to do. I feel terrible that Rob and I have been married for 6 months, and they have been spent stressing about having a baby. I feel bad that we're going to have to dip into our savings (a big dip) in order to make it happen. He has been acting differently lately and I know he is stressed about this. Man, he sure didn't sign on for this. Heh, which man does? I feel awful. I wish it wasn't so. I wish we were younger so we could spend a few years enjoying being married. We could travel and save up more money and have fun. Instead, we have to do this. This sucks beyond words. Blah.

Ok, I'm up late and I'm typing more depressing stuff in my blog. I hate that. hmm.. I'm signing off.