Monday, November 22, 2004

Nothing new.

I haven't blogged in quite some time. Where do I start? I just finished reading all of my posts and I have a strange feeling. I guess I should start from the beginning...

Earlier this month, I had a colonoscopy performed that proved unsuccessful. The doctor could not advance past my splenic flexure and had to abort the procedure. He recommended that I have a barium enema. I'm very pissed about this whole situation. First off, the prep for the colonoscopy was awful. I absolutely hate the stuff I have to drink to clean me out. Anyone who has had to do this can testify to its horrid-ness. (is that a word?) In any case, the barium enema requires the same prep, so naturally I asked the nurse, who informed me of the doctor's recommendation, if I could have it done that day. I was already prepped and still partially sedated from my earlier procedure. Of course she said that the doctor didn't want to do the procedure that day, and he had already left. I still haven't spoken with the doctor regarding the results, and I've called his office 4 times. It simply amazes me how much practicing medicine has turned into such a 'business.' It is so infuriating that I can't speak with a doctor anymore.

Anyway, I called Dr. Loy to discuss the results of my colonoscopy with him, hoping that the results had been faxed over. Of course, they had not. I was however informed, by the nurse at Dr. Loy's office, that he refuses to do my surgery until I have this barium enema. I am still pissed because I can't seem to talk to the actual doctor that prescribed it. I seem to think that he is just being overly cautious, and that I don't really need this procedure. I have surgery scheduled for December 9th, with Dr. Loy. I need to talk to someone quickly, because if these assholes insist that I have this done, then I have precious little time.

So, that being said, I've been on a break from the infertility treatments. I have been feeling pretty good, actually. I have been doing yoga everyday and I hid the scale. My energy is much better and my general state of mind has improved. I got a new cute hair cut, so that helps too. Heh. This strange feeling that I mentioned earlier is because I read my previous blog entries. I read how depressed and angry and desperate I was, and I know that I'm going to feel like that again soon. I guess this is the quiet before the storm. I have been free of the fertility drugs for a while now, and I can tell such a difference. Any question that I had earlier that it was the drugs causing the depression, bloating, fatigue and insomnia has now been answered. I'll be starting again in a month or so, and I have that to look forward to all over again.

Rob and I have some hard decisions to make. We have tried 3 cycles of IUI with no success. I am going to get a laparoscopy in 2 1/2 weeks and then we'll start trying again as soon as I recover. The nurse had mentioned the MS-IVF, and I've done a lot of research regarding that. It seems as thought that is where we're heading. I got some information in the mail about the program at the clinic Rob and I go to and the cost is steep. When she said the cost is 5K, plus medicine, she failed to mention the 'miscellaneous additional costs' which add up to about two thousand dollars. She did mention something about a study being done that we could participate in, which would pay for the medicines. That helps, but we're still looking at an initial cost of about $7,000. That is just for the first cycle. It makes me just sick to think about it. I really don't know what to do. I feel terrible that Rob and I have been married for 6 months, and they have been spent stressing about having a baby. I feel bad that we're going to have to dip into our savings (a big dip) in order to make it happen. He has been acting differently lately and I know he is stressed about this. Man, he sure didn't sign on for this. Heh, which man does? I feel awful. I wish it wasn't so. I wish we were younger so we could spend a few years enjoying being married. We could travel and save up more money and have fun. Instead, we have to do this. This sucks beyond words. Blah.

Ok, I'm up late and I'm typing more depressing stuff in my blog. I hate that. hmm.. I'm signing off.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Stages of "Friendship"

I'm going to be cynical here for a minute. Ok, maybe a few.

I think that all friends are fair-weather friends. I'm no exception. I think that when you get right down to it, people really don't care about your personal trials and tribulations. They don't want to hear about or care why your wife spends too much money or your best friend is an alcoholic. They do however, listen, with earnest and forced caring. Then they give advice and try to make you all better. Often people give advice when it isn't' asked of them, or even the correct advice to give. They give it because they want to see you all happy and smiling again. They like the happy you because it is easier for them. Don't be fooled. People really don't give a shit about what you're going through. If they are going to stick around through it, they just help you get over it faster to get you back to the person they enjoy.

Please don't take this as a bash on all the people in my life who offer a "lending hand." I am probably one of the worst offenders of the unsolicited advice giving. I think I'm helping people and in turn I feel some reward for my selfless act. Bullshit. We all just really care about ourselves and the things that affect our worlds. Being surrounded by unhappy, depressed or generally grumpy people is not fun. If you like that person enough in their times of joy, then you will put forth the effort to get them past the bullshit. Then you can continue on your journey of revelry and laughter. Otherwise, you distance yourself (if you're trying to be polite about it) or you just give that person the "tough love" or say "Fuck you. You're on your own."

I know you think I'm being harsh, but c'mon, this is how we all truly feel. When someone becomes too much to bear, you let that person go on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. Right. Fact is, you didn't want to endure the un-fun side of that person any longer. They weren't worth the time any longer.

I think there are stages to this. When a friend is down, this is how people generally react:

1.) "Friends" will give a few obligatory hours of "listening." They figure they at least owe this to their friend, a.k.a. Downer, who, too many times to count, held their hair while they puked. Hopefully after a few of these sessions, the Downer will get over whatever is bothering them.

2.) Next is the advice stage. This advice is given whether or not it is asked for by said Downer. This is an attempt to hurry along the depression or general shittiness and proceed to better, more happy times. Don't be mistaken, this is purely selfish. The "friends" never have, and still don't give a shit about what is going on with the Downer.

3.) Thirdly is the 'tough love' stage. This comes right before the "Fuck you, I can't deal with this anymore" stage. Dr. Phil popularized this stage and in his practice has re-ordered this as Stage One. This is when the Downer gets brow beaten and verbally abused into feeling better. This attack is masked as "tough love" and is associated with common phrases like, "I'm only saying this because I care about you" and "You can't keep acting like this. I'm only trying to help." Again, this is purely selfish and is a sign that the "friend" of the Downer has reached his or her wits end.

4.) Finally is the "Fuck you, I can't deal with this anymore" stage. This is a short stage when the Downer is let go and told to handle this problem on his or her own. The "friend" is no longer willing to put up with or fake concern on behalf of the good times they once shared. They have given up on any future good times and will begin a search for another person to hold their hair.

In conclusion, people simply don't give a fuck. You're born alone, you walk alone and you die alone. Welcome to the real world. If you don't like it, don't tell me about it. I couldn't care less.