Thursday, October 28, 2004

Pep talk

I am so bored. I am tired of being depressed, but I don't yet have the energy to do anything about it. I took another pregnancy test this morning, and it was negative. It was a bit early, but I'm convinced that the third insemination didn't work. The plan now is to get surgery. Dr. Loy is going to be out of the country until mid-November, so I probably won't get the surgery until December sometime. That is just as well; I'd like to enjoy my Thanksgiving holiday.

I will have to go back on the pill until my laporoscopy. This time I'll take them continuously so that I don't get my period. That way the doctor has more flexibility in scheduling. I can't be on my period during the surgery. I hope that the pill helps me to lose some weight. I might actually have to get off my ass for that to happen. I have just become so apathetic. I hate being this fat, but I eat ice cream every night anyway. I guess that is what depression does to a person.

I really want to try to look at this break from the treatments as a chance to get myself back on balance. I'd like to lose 15 pounds and get my head on straight. I really should weigh 125 based on my height and my frame. Ok, maybe 127, but either way, I'm nowhere close to that. I'm 141 as of this morning, and that is just sad.

after I get my period, and I know with out a doubt that I'm not pregnant, I told rob that I wanted to go on the South Beach diet again. I really hated it, but I could probably drop some pounds in the 2-week induction period. After I get on a roll, I'll just watch what I eat and go from there. I'd like for Rob to lose 25 pounds to get to 190. We'd both feel so much better about ourselves.

I think the big thing I'm wondering now is what I'm going to do with myself until January or February. I mean, we can't start trying again until that time, and sitting around waiting to get pregnant just won't work. I need to find things to fill my days. I have a million things I want to do around the house. I really need to find the motivation and energy to do them. I guess the only place to get it is inside me. I hope I can give myself an attitude adjustment soon. It is just so easy to slip into complacency and laziness and self-pity when I'm here alone all the time. I should make my top priority to lose weight and get in shape. I have to promise myself that I do some sort of exercise every day, even if it's only for 15 minutes. I really don't have any excuse. I don't have anything I have to do during the day. I just sit at this damn computer and stare at the screen, trying to find things to research or read. Get a life, Shannon. Doing things by yourself isn't that bad. You can do it.

I had better go finish getting dinner ready.

Shannon, pull yourself up. Don't drown in self pity. Chin up. You are a healthy, smart, beautiful woman who has a wonderful life. Don't let it go to waste while you lie in bed all day. You WILL have a baby. You need surgery to help with the endo, regardless of trying to get pregnant. Everything is going the way it should.

Love yourself. You are enough.