Tuesday, October 05, 2004

I can't think of a good title for this one.

I took another goddamned pregnancy test today, and of course I'm not pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the anger I feel inside right now. Why isn't this fucking working? Why am I feeling these seemingly real symptoms when I'm not pregnant? How much more of this bullshit will I have to endure? How much more money are we going to waste trying to get pregnant when it just seems like it is never going to happen?? I feel like these pregnancy tests are looking for something that my body just will never produce. It's as though I'm peeing on a stick that is looking for signs of a penis. I don't have one and I never will.

I've been reading online about depression and infertility. Over and over I've read that depression can make infertility worse. What a kick in the ass that is. I mean, infertility is depressing enough by itself, much less taking these fucking drugs that make you all whacked out. And to add insult to injury, the IUIs aren't working! And I'm not supposed to be depressed about this? Now I have the added guilt that my THOUGHTS are keeping me from having a baby. There is nothing more in the world that I want than to have a baby. How come THAT thought isn't taking over and making this happen?

Last month, the nurse mentioned taking a more aggressive approach if the 2nd IUI didn't work. She talked about 'injectables' which increase the number of eggs I produce. I haven't talked to my doctor specifically about this, but from what I've read, the medicines are quite expensive, ranging from $500- $1500 per cycle. That is in addition to the other $700 we're spending. We might as well cancel Christmas this year. Thanks, Shannon. Good going.

I consider myself a strong person. I have been through some shit in my life and ended up on the other side a stronger, smarter person. This however is kicking my ass. I feel so worthless. I feel like I can't even do the one thing that women are biologically made to do. I just don't understand why this isn't working. The egg is there. The sperm is there. Millions of them. And they just can't seem to get along.

I saw this movie over the weekend called, "What the Bleep Do We Know?" and I'm not sure it was such a good idea. It talked about quantum physics and our thoughts that create our own realities. I just don't know how to stop thinking about becoming pregnant. I admit, I am consumed with it. I try so hard to be positive about it. I thought I did really well this month. I didn't spend every day on the internet researching the same thing over and over. But now that I've taken the test and it's negative, AGAIN, how can I NOT think about the negative side? This is killing me. When I try to ignore the fact that I have to do IUI to get pregnant, or try to say, "It will happen when it's meant to happen," then I think I'm just bullshitting myself. Give me a fucking break. Something is not working right. I don't understand what it is, but it has to be something.

How many more times will I have to hear, "well, try again next month?" I get this crushing disappointment each month and then get all excited again for the next cycle. I think to myself, "THIS is going to be it." I feel like I've just been lying to myself for so long. I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel numb inside. I really thought I was pregnant this month. I've had so many symptoms that I haven't had before. My boobs have been very sore, which I thought was my biggest clue. I just keep thinking, "What am I supposed to think from now on?" So next month when I try, and I get sore boobs, I will just dismiss it as ... What? My mind playing tricks on me? A side effect from the medicine? This has to be the most fucked up thing ever. Take medicine that makes you have symptoms similar to pregnancy, make you more emotionally fragile and then NOT FUCKING WORK!!

One more try and then I give up. I'll just go get a job. This is so fucking stupid. I hate this. HATE it.


patrick said...

I'm sorry. :-(

Don't give up, though. Keep trying. I have to think what you are doing increases the chances, but not to 100%. Eventually it will take.

Shannon said...

Man, I sure do curse a lot when I'm angry. I should watch that.