Friday, October 15, 2004

Do you hear what I'm cluckin', Big Chicken?

Sorry friends and neighbors, here comes another depressing post in my blog.

I really need to get this out. I don't know what this is, but nevertheless it needs to go. I went to the doctor today. I had a follicle scan done and lo and behold! I had 4 follicles. Two of them were mature, or well on their way. I talked to the head nurse and she talked about us formulating a plan. I told her of the bleeding I've been having and she referred me to a gastroenterologist. I have an appointment next week. We are also going to inseminate for the third time on Wednesday. I am ... Well, I'm all sorts of things right now. I am super excited that I have 2 mature follicles, which in theory could result in twins. I am disheartened that my endometrial lining was very thin. I have been instructed to take low-dose aspirin every day for the next couple of days to help thicken it up and increase our chances of implantation. Mardi said we're looking at surgery if I'm not pregnant this month. I'm not so upset about that because it will help me with the pain and other awful symptoms I suffer from with endo. It will also increase my fertility directly after the surgery. The last thing that Mardi mentioned and asked Rob and I to think about is called Mini-Stim IVF. It means Minimal Stimulation In-Vitro Fertilization. Because I'm young and not obese and Rob has a good sperm count, and we fit other qualifying criteria, we would be eligible for a drug study. That means that we could have our medications paid for; a value of approximately $2500. We would have to pay for the actual procedure which would set us back a cool 5K. It is about a third of the cost of traditional IVF because there is less monitoring and drugs needed. Anyway, she said that we could certainly think about that and possibly start around January.

January sure does seem far away. I guess we are half way through October, but I was sure I'd be pregnant for Christmas. I was even hoping to get a cute Daddy-to-be ornament for Rob. I guess I'll get to wait for the 50% off sales after the holidays.

I don't want to discount this month. I guess there is still a chance that I could get pregnant. I just feel somewhere that it's just not going to happen. I was very disappointed when I saw that I have virtually no uterine lining today. Mardi was even surprised because I've always had a nice thick lining.

I need to take up some form of martial art. I really need to pound on something for a while to let this anger go. I don't know why I'm angry, per se. I just feel like this is such bullshit. I'm ready to be pregnant and have a baby. I'm sick of the test and the false hope and the disappointment that always follows.

I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. (No offense Patrick, Pam and Rob.) My husband and 2 friends are great. I feel guilty though and I don't want to wear them thin. Like my lining. Then they'll abort our friendship. Wow. Infertility jokes aren't funny. I wish I could talk to my mom more about this. She doesn't seem very receptive. Perhaps she doesn't know what to say. I think most anyone I talk to has that dilemma. I think I mostly just want to blab about it for hours on end. When I don't, it builds up inside me and I end up unloading on Rob. I think I've balled on his shoulder every night this week. What a downer I am.

I just want to run. I want to break into a sprint and just run and run until I fall over from exhaustion. I'd probably make it to the mailbox, but that's not the point. I want to scream and cry and punch something and kick a hole in the wall and break something and then fall on the ground sobbing until I fall asleep. I know that won't solve anything, but I still feel it anyway.

I think I might go see a counselor. I really don't know how to deal with these feelings. I am so obsessed with this that I'm starting to fear the computer. I look at is as some drug and I need my fix by researching and reading and searching. There are days when I literally have to force myself not to sit in this dark room, glued to the screen looking for an answer that doesn't exist. I have to realize that I'm not going to find what I'm looking for. I'm not going to find, written on some website, the answer to my infertility. I read about other women's infertility stories, yet I feel so detached. I never post myself. I am the great observer.

I don't think I'm making a damn bit of sense. I don't really give a fuck. It feels good to just get these feelings out. I hate them and they are eating me alive.

It is getting to the point that I cry at any commercial that focuses on family and babies. It is amazing how many of them there are. I was in line at Target today and I was staring at the kids in the cart in front of me. I didn't hear the man call, "Ms?" 3 times because I was so entrenched in the little girls crawling out of the cart. I kept wondering what mine will look like. I almost told their mother that I'm trying to conceive through IUI, perhaps hoping she'd say, "Really!? That is how I conceived all of my children. It worked for me on the third try and I had hardly any uterine lining. I had 2 eggs and endometriosis."

Am I going out of my mind? Heh, ok. I'm laughing at myself now. Sometimes I take things too damn seriously. Lighten up Shan, will ya?